Lorin Turner

There will come a point in many a design presentation where a spouse’s opinion completely blindsides a client. It will be blurted out, off-topic, as if they’ve been carrying the secret burden for the entirety of their relationship and cannot contain it one minute longer. Their mate, incredulous at this admission, realizes that after many years of togetherness, they never truly knew that their life partner had such a loathing for the colour green.

 I see this scenario play out all the time. Couples working in lockstep, peacefully making joint decisions on their home project until one thing, one seemingly small thing, like the colour of a tile or a sheen on a countertop, ruptures a deep fissure in a pair’s compatibility. Typically, one spouse will turn to me and apologize for their partner’s ridiculous indiscretion, mortified by this insane opinion that is the exact opposite of their own, completely logical one.

Nothing brings out relational disharmony like a home renovation project. My parents, lifelong do-it-yourselfers, swore that the only time they seriously considered divorce was due to “the wallpaper incident” from forty years ago. If divorce can be threatened over one difference of opinion, imagine how unsettling and stressful it is to agree to decision after decision, for months.


When it comes to home design, as with so many aspects of the life experience, personal tastes are subjective. Undoubtedly, what makes your relationship successful is shared interests and tastes. You and your partner probably like many of the same things, movies, books, and food, but once in a while, our harmonious compatibility will diverge in surprising ways.
Perception
We’re not here for a philosophical debate on whether colour is subjective or objective. But we can agree that humans perceive and interpret colour differently.


If you are of differing opinions, this is not a failure of your relationship. The key is to look at your home as a representation of both selves. Can you see the two individuals personified in the design choices?
Are your personal interests given space to develop? This is not indicative of relationship strife. Do consider the balance of your relationship

Is it just one thing, one terrible, hideous thing that your partner covets? A sports trophy they won in a company tournament. A lumpy pottery piece made at a weekend workshop? Can you find a neutral ground for that object can be displayed such as a home office, a workshop or tucked between the sofa and the wall? Consider yourself lucky it’s only one item contention and lean into the humour. Give it a place of pride, perhaps even curate it like an art piece with specialized lighting and its own display stand.



You love bright colours, but they like moody tones, so you settle on an all-white colour palette instead. Don't water down your choices in an attempt to placate both opinions. There are ways to find balance with compromise. Yes, designers love a house that has a consistent flow, but if you have space for the one room where your spouse can let their tacky selves run free, then give it to them.
You could call it spite design: if I can’t be happy, no one will.


Doctors John and Julie Gottman, renowned couples therapists, created the Gottman compromise circle, also known as the "compromise bagel," which is a tool designed to help couples navigate conflicts by identifying core needs and flexible areas in their relationship.
Understanding the Compromise Circle
The Gottman compromise circle is a visual representation that helps partners articulate their non-negotiable needs and areas where they can be flexible. It consists of two concentric ovals:
Inner Oval (Core Needs): This smaller circle contains the essential needs or values that each partner cannot compromise on. These are the non-negotiables that are crucial for their happiness and well-being in the relationship.
Typically, you won’t feel passionate about the same things, and this is where compromise does the peacekeeping. Discuss your must-haves


Is it just one thing, one terrible, hideous thing that your partner covets? A sports trophy they won in a company tournament. A lumpy pottery piece made at a weekend workshop? Can you find a neutral ground for that object can be displayed such as a home office, a workshop or tucked between the sofa and the wall? Consider yourself lucky it’s only one item contention and lean into the humour. Give it a place of pride, perhaps even curate it like an art piece with specialized lighting and its own display stand.


Does your partner have an unusual hobby? Is there a secondary space in you home that can be given over to this hobby so it’s out of sight to your guests? Relegated to under-height basements, or dingy corners of the garage.

Collections should be contained and curated – do not abide scope creep –Create a curio cabinet, a display in your home office.

TV is a big conflict point for many couples. Some insist one should go in the main space others to a secondary location. If you are regular TV viewers you should locate it where you will be spending most of your time. Samsung Frame…

Dig a little deeper and find the why. Is there some personal meaning as to why they’re attracted to such an object? Nostalgia is a powerful emotion.



Third-party negotiations.
This is where a seasoned interior designer shows their expertise. That impartial third opinion can get